Bullying at school, online and at home: a guide for parents, carers and young people

Bullying is rarely as obvious as we expect it to be. When we picture it, most of us picture the playground — something physical, or loud, or easy to point at. But a great deal of bullying is quieter than that. It happens in group chats at eleven at night. It happens in comments passed off as jokes. And, uncomfortably, it sometimes happens at home, from the adults a child looks up to most.

This guide covers where bullying shows up, why some children do it, and what both adults and young people can do about it.

Where bullying happens

At school. Children spend a large share of their waking lives at school, and bullying there can look like verbal teasing, physical aggression, deliberate exclusion, hurtful rumours, or discrimination based on race, gender or sexuality.

Online. Cyberbullying uses phones, games and social platforms to harass, threaten or humiliate. What makes it particularly hard is the reach: anonymity and constant access mean a child can be targeted from anywhere, at any hour, including in their own bedroom. It might be threatening messages, embarrassing photos or videos being shared, rumours spread across a year group, or someone impersonating them.

At home. Siblings and family members can bully too. Comments and “personal jokes” that start as banter can become genuinely harmful — it’s worth considering both the message inside a joke and how often it gets repeated.

When small comments do big damage

There’s a subtler form worth naming: the small, repeated remarks from adults that a child absorbs over months and years. Individually they can look trivial. Cumulatively, they shape how a child sees themselves.

Things like:

• Constant criticism — “You never get anything right.”
• Dismissive remarks — “Stop being so sensitive, it’s not a big deal.”
• Belittling — “You’re so clumsy, you can’t even do this simple thing.”
• Comparisons — “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “Your brother’s two years younger and he manages it.”
• Invalidating feelings — “You’re overreacting, there’s nothing to be upset about.”
• Guilt-tripping — “I sacrifice so much for you, and this is how you repay me?”
• Gaslighting — “I never said that, you must be imagining it.” (When you did.)
• Ignoring boundaries — repeatedly going through their things or their space.
• Threatening language — “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll never speak to you again.”

Children are extremely sensitive to the words of any adult they look up to. Repeated exposure to this kind of negativity erodes self-confidence and sense of security — and the effects surface later, in exam pressure, body image, relationships and the choices they feel able to make.

Why some children and teenagers bully

There’s no justification for bullying. But understanding what sits underneath it helps us respond usefully rather than just punitively. Children who bully are often struggling themselves:

• They lack coping skills. Anger, frustration or insecurity has nowhere healthy to go, and bullying becomes the outlet.
• They’re seeking connection or status. Some believe putting others down will make them look powerful, or win them the acceptance they want.
• They’re copying what they’ve seen. Behaviour modelled by adults or older peers gets internalised as a normal way to treat people.
• They struggle to empathise. Without a feel for another person’s experience, the harm doesn’t register.
• They’ve been bullied themselves. Some are continuing a cycle, trying to regain a sense of control.

What parents and carers can do

Be mindful of your words. Avoid dismissive remarks and constant criticism, even the ones that feel harmless in the moment.

Listen actively, and don’t minimise. If you don’t understand or agree with what your child is feeling, ask rather than dismiss. If you minimise it, they’ll stop bringing things to you at all.

Encourage more than you correct. Focus on strengths and achievements, and resist comparing them to siblings, peers or unrealistic standards.

Lead by example. If there’s a behaviour you want to see change, model it first — and be patient. Something they’ve been doing for a long time may take a long time to shift.

Don’t ignore the signs. Changes in behaviour, mood, sleep or schoolwork are worth asking about early. Nip things in the bud.

Take responsibility for your own part. Don’t blame your child for your frustrations. Apologise sincerely when you get it wrong — it teaches them how to do the same.

Get support if you need it. If you recognise a pattern in yourself that you’re struggling to break, that’s a reason to talk to someone, not a reason to feel ashamed. You’re a human being too.

Keeping your child safe online

Set clear rules and time limits, and review privacy settings together. Get familiar with the platforms and games they actually use. Teach them to protect personal information, to question anything that makes them uncomfortable, and to tell you when something goes wrong. Role-playing a scenario or two helps them practise what to do before it happens.

And it’s hard, but don’t give way to “everyone else is allowed” pressure. Where online safety is concerned, we need to be parents and carers, not friends.

What children and teenagers can do

If you’re being bullied, or you’ve seen it happening, you’re not powerless:

• Tell a trusted adult — a parent, teacher or counsellor. Reporting isn’t tattling; it’s how everyone stays safe.
• Be a friend to the person being targeted. Sometimes knowing one person cares changes everything.
• Don’t retaliate. Fighting back usually escalates it. Get an adult involved instead.
• Stick with people. Use the buddy system in the places bullying is more likely — corridors, changing rooms, group chats.
• Protect yourself online. Use privacy settings, don’t share personal details, and block and report anyone who bullies you.
• Look after yourself. Talk to someone about how it’s affecting you.

And this matters: it is not your fault. Nobody deserves to be bullied. The person doing it is responsible for their own actions.

Why reporting helps everyone

Reporting is a lifeline for the child being bullied — it opens the door to protection and support. But it’s also a lifeline for the child doing the bullying. It gives adults a chance to spot what’s driving the behaviour and address it. Bullying is often a cry for help, even when it doesn’t look like one. Left unreported, nobody gets what they need.

Where to get more support

For online safety and cyberbullying:

• NSPCC — nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety
• Childnet International — childnet.com/parents-and-carers
• UK Safer Internet Centre — saferinternet.org.uk/advice-centre/parents-and-carers
• Internet Matters — internetmatters.org
• Parent Zone — parentzone.org.uk

If bullying is affecting your child’s mental health, or you’d like to talk to someone about what’s happening at home, we offer mental health support in Ipswich and the surrounding areas. Call 01473 411324 or email reception@teenagementalhealth.co.uk.